My Thoughts

For those who are keeping up...I did really intend to post this evening, but Jeremy needed to tell me some important things going on, so I am late, but none the less, better late than never. hee hee
FOCUS! FOCUS! no, not you. ME! I have had the worst time focusing lately. My brain is in a hundred places and I must admit, my anxiety is getting the best of me...or should I say the worst of me. Anywho, it's getting me. I guess it doesn't really matter what part it gets of me, it's the fact that it is. I was asked last week to help out in Children's Choir on Wednesday night. Any woman can handle helping and a few 2 year olds for 45 minutes right? Well, not me. Boo is in that class and I would love the time to spend with him, but seriously, after waking up at 5:45 AM, by 6 PM, the last thing on my mind is 2-year old children's choir. I reluctantly told my dear friend Gayle that I would help her...she's so sweet, you can't help but tell her YES. That was on a Sunday night. By Monday (the next day), I was already having anxiety about it...and it wasn't for another 2 days. I called Gayle that night and told her I just couldn't do it. We talked and after that, I didn't feel the pressure anymore.
Now onto work. Work is sometimes a cuss word for me...although I love the people and the job (most days), the traffic getting here and back home borderlines on nightmarish. The other week I actually cried all the way to work and Jeremy threatened for me to just turn around and drive home. It was horrific. I had never felt so awful in my whole life. I just think it's the most absurd thing to drive over an hour to get to your job...yes, I am one of those idiots. I know. It's partly my fault, since I could have NOT accepted the job, but in my small defense, it was the holidays when I interviewed and I had no idea how bad the drive would be. Plus, the pay was right. The timing was right, so I trusted the Lord that this was His plan. The summer was great, by the way. :) Anyway, the drive sometimes gets me worked up, but I am used to it most days....now, it's the work. We had an instance in which one of my co-workers no longer works here...see this post for a refresher and it took a few weeks for everything to get back to some order, but when it did, holy moses!! That meant a lot more work for me. I think I remember how that happened, but was in a gung-ho, everyone chip in mood, and now I am reeling the affects of it. I literally cannot add another thing to my agenda each day and yet, every day I get asked to do so. It's been tough not to get bitter and I must say, since that point, I was pleasantly pleased with my workload...sometimes it was rough, most times not, and I love a good challenge, so it surprises me that I am not thriving through this...but only gaining more anxiety over it. We recently got a huge project. One that caused me to come in at 6 AM last Friday and work till 4:15 to work on the contract. I find out this week that I will be ordering all the materials. Material that I have never ordered in my life, material from people whom I do not have a relationship with, and material that someone else has done all the legwork on. Wouldn't you think she should order the material? Yeah, that was my thinking too, because my point here is...what if I order it wrong? Who is the boss going to blame? I must say my boss is pretty forgiving. I have messed up a few times and he isn't much of "what were you thinking" kind of guy. It's probably more me than it is him...I tend to be a perfectionist at work. I hate not doing something correctly the first time, and I am my own worst critic. I will beat myself up way more than anyone else could. That's just the kind of worker bee that I am. I am definately an approval worker too. I need to hear "you are doing great", "well done", "that's great" a good portion of the time. I think the major thing is this...most of the time if I have all the information I need, then I can complete something with no issues or problems. For some reason, in which I know the reason, these people don't give you all the pieces to the puzzle when doing something. It comes from the fact everyone has worked here 5 plus years, and sometimes it's hard to recall all the steps you took when completing something. So, I am forced to make them spell it out several times, after the item has either been completed or returned with errors. ugh. It's a vicious cycle sometimes. I am pretty known from all my past employers of organizing things, and I have created Procedure Manuals for all my previous jobs, however, with this, I can't even write a procedure without revising it every month, because we don't have a set way of doing things each time. I must point out that I did know some of that in my interview phase. They told me sometimes they have weird ways of doing things, but they have found that's the system that works for them...unfortunately, it's not a system that works everytime for everything. With this family company, it's great because I feel part of the family and that's a great feeling. The Christian aspect is awesome and for that I am so thankful. With that comes the fact that when things come up, there is sometimes no set person that handles an issue...it's not like a company when one person handles the payroll, hiring, receipts and all related to human resources; then another handles the phone, new project jobs, and supporting the VP, etc. etc. Something comes up and no one can remember who did it last year and what the procedure is. I think for someone like me, who likes things orderly and neat in the office, it's troubling. It pushes me to a point where I can't get anything done and then it gives me the anxiety.
Whew. Are you okay? If you withstood that, praise the Lord. My thoughts about all of that are only exasperated more when it comes to boo bear. Dropping him off each day at his school...missing his milestones each day...it's enough to make any mommy lose it. :)
My mom worked when I was little. I went to the church preschool and then to a daycare center later. Let's be clear...I am not worried about the care he receives. I just horribly miss him most days.
Ahh...that's my soapbox. I will get down now. I have work to do! :) HA!

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." I Peter 5:6-7

In His Love-
Karen

Tags: Anxiety, Family, Work